Summer has arrived, bringing with it some glorious sunshine, delicious food and drink and plenty of socialising… but also frustrations. Frustrations that all seem to be pointing directly at my diabetes, and all seem to have hit their target at once.
Maybe I’m just letting things get to me, maybe it's because I’m now on holiday and have time to stop and consider what’s going on inside me, rather than what’s going on around me. Either way, I have that tense and uneasy feeling, knotting in my stomach, aching for the break from diabetes that I know won’t come. I suppose this blog is a way to offload some of my frustrations, to organise my thoughts and see things from a different angle, but at the same time I just want a break from the constant finger pricking, insulin calculations, portion sizes, dose adjustments, hypos, hypers and appointments. Who wouldn't want a break from all of that?
The past 8 weeks have been full of hypos, leaving me feeling drained and dispirited. I tried to use a reduced temporary basal rate on my insulin pump but when I did the hypos would either happen anyway or my blood sugars would go too high. I tried to reduce my bolus insulin doses but that also made my sugars go too high. Each day during the past 8 weeks has been very different, in a new environment, and it was difficult to know what to do regarding insulin doses when I didn’t know what I’d be doing from one minute to the next. What I wouldn't give to be able to use a CGM and just look at a screen to know exactly what was going on with my blood sugars, to feel in control and not constantly worrying. To be able to go to bed and know that I wouldn’t wake up having a hypo and be starting the next day with big tired eyes and no energy. A twitter friend suggested raising funds to buy a CGM, but being too proud I said no. I wish there was a more affordable way to feel secure in my own body.
Support has been lacking… Recently I feel that if I didn’t have the diabetes online community and my family/partner I would be very alone. Over the months I’ve tried to talk to my health care professionals; tried to take responsibility for my diabetes as I’ve been told to do, but I haven’t had guidance - I can’t do it all myself and I can feel myself becoming increasingly frustrated. I’ve asked about ways to diagnose an ongoing issue, treatments that I might be able to try, referrals that might be made. I’ve asked what I can do to help myself and to speed the process of a diagnosis up, but I’ve had nothing back, not even a reply. I’m starting to feel how lonely diabetes can be when there aren’t trained professionals around to help. Lonely and also intimidating at times.
Now I’m waiting for the feeling to subside, as it always does. I know that one day I’ll wake up and say “sod it, things will get better” because I have to pick myself back up in the end. What will I be left with if I stay down? I know the answer to that and it won’t be pleasant. The funny thing is that when it comes to other people’s diabetes my focus is in the right place, the answers are there and I can help them. I can’t feel their frustrations, but I can relate to them, which I suppose is the only benefit to how I’m feeling at the moment.