This is a quick blog... Super super quick thoughts that are better out than kept in.
A few of you may have seen from my twitter account that I've been having a few worries regarding my insulin pump. Maybe I'm being silly and worrying over nothing, but I can't help feeling under pressure to perform for my pump.
In my local area when applying for a pump we are told before hand that we will need to complete a 6 month trial. This is to make sure that we are suited to the pump, and that the pump will prove to be a benefit to us over multiple daily injections.
We also need to set ourselves goals at the start of the trial that we hope the pump will help us to reach. Goals that we can't reach through injections.
We then attend group pump sessions in which a few patients, all trialling the pump, attend and review data from our meters and learn about the pump and how we can use it effectively. At the end of the trial the CCG will be presented with our goals and our data and they'd will decide if the pump has been effective in helping us reach them.
One of the goals that I set myself was to reduce my a1c, however I found out this week that that hasn't happened. For those who don't know, a1c is a blood test that provides information about a person’s average levels of blood glucose over the past 3 months.
Sadly for the past three months I've found myself dealing with a lot of stress, which in turn has affected my blood sugars. This has reflected in the rise in a1c and has therefore had an impact on my pump trial.
I absolutely understand that my CCG needs to see evidence of improvements and that my consultant needs to follow their rules and advise me on possible outcomes. I understand that there are many hoops to jump through for me to be able to keep my pump and trust me, I've been jumping through them. But I can't help feeling under huge amount of pressure to perform to their standards now. To comply with the numbers, to follow the rules exactly...
The past three months have been tough... I wouldn't be in this position otherwise. Stress sent my blood sugars sky high and no matter what I did they wouldn't come down. But now I'm worried... I need to reduce my a1c, but what if the pressure of knowing I may lose my pump hampers my progress.
Today all I've thought about is my blood sugars. I'm worrying about eating certain foods, doing activities that may cause high or low sugars, my concentration has gone out of the window... I planned to write my first University essay today but I can't focus on anything other than what my body is doing. I'm worrying about what my blood sugars are whilst I'm asleep so I'm setting alarms to wake me through the night to check them... Even the thought is making my head spin a little.
I've been given time... My consultant (who I have to say is helping me in every way he can) has said that we can look at my a1c in 3 months and go from there.
I want to self manage my diabetes... I'm encouraged to do so by my health professionals... But I can't do so if they take my tools away from me. I know how much the pump has helped me, my other goals prove it... I just need to tackle this one.